I am exhausted.
Yet, I feel like I’m getting nothing done.
Today I realized that I couldn’t remember the last time I watered the plants. I’ve been keeping up with it really well up until a few weeks ago. Then I discovered my new weird ass succulent that looked like a dinosaur mouth and had been doing AH-mazing…dead.
Let’s get real though. It’s happening with almost everything I do lately.
Time is almost non existent these days. Or it’s not consistent at least. Sometimes it feels as though there is too much of it and so much nothing to fill it with and then some days, like today when I realized that I don’t have much more time before I have to actually shake myself (and my kids!) out of this corona-coma and put on my best Miss Frizzle impersonation. Just a little more than a week.
(Holy shit. Like a I honestly just looked at the calendar on Thursday, Aug 7th to see that)
I can’t go in anywhere anymore without feeling overwhelmed by the people around me because I swear I absorb peoples emotions.
Maybe there’s a scientific explanation for it, I don’t know. Maybe it’s extreme empathy? Maybe I’m what the cool girls call an empath? Maybe I’m just batshit crazy?
I just know that the social anxiety is creeping back in and I’m doing all I can to hold myself together. (*I am on meds. I have a doctor. Thank you for your concern.)
It isn’t just me though. Everyone I know is beginning to crack at the seams. Everyone feels like a guitar string being tightened and it’s not long until it snaps.
I’ve been going back and forth on whether or not to completely remove myself from social media for a while because of all the intense shit everyone is posting. It’s a hard world to live in for just about everyone right now. And everyone is pissed off about it. What’s worse is the feeling of helplessness because nothing anyone seems to be doing is fixing anything and there are so many things that need to be fixed.
I wonder if it’s something akin to what animals feel before a big storm comes. That burst of adrenaline before all hell breaks loose. Fight or flight.
But we can’t really go anywhere. Any of us.
I’ve always enjoyed being home but that was when I knew that I could go somewhere and there was a level of consistency to that going out. Now there are, not only ever changing rules, but those so adamant against said rules that they make the situation that much more difficult for everyone else.
I don’t really get it. Masks aren’t the end of the world. They’re annoying and I know that I’ve touched my mask and my face and pinched the fabric around my nose, because there’s always fuzz that somehow gets in there and it just won’t go away.
As for social distancing, I’m all for it. I think that’s an awesome thing to keep around. I mean, okay, not always six feet forever, but like four.
I don’t want to argue with anyone about what you believe about the masks or corona. I just don’t. Hence the “I think I might remove myself from social media for a while”. There is a lot of information going around and I get that. It’s so much that it’s hard to filter through. You have to research every thing you read lately, to make sure that it’s up to date and accurate.
I get it. But I’m really tired of it. I’m tired of reading the crazy theories that have no other basis than what someone wants to believe is going on. I’m also tired of reading the actual crazy news which really doesn’t need a conspiracy theory because it’s all already nucking futs.
But there is also the feeling of the need to know what’s going on. Because things ARE changing pretty quickly. There’s also this small bit of optimism in me that opens up my news apps hoping for some sign that things are going to get better instead of worse but every day it’s just…worse.
My kids are really starting show it. They are bored and stressed and tired. They are also confused and sad. They want to go places. Usually on the last week of summer we do lots of fun things. But it’s not really possible at this time.
We aren’t really school shopping this year, other than a few new pencils and notebooks. There is a part of me that’s really happy about it. I mean, it’s never a cheap shopping trip. I am really glad that I’m not out looking for the best deals on new shoes and clothes or trying to find the specifically school requested item (like calculators or specific type of folder) that no store in town seems to have.
There’s also a part of me that’s sad, because while we’ll pick up a few things for homeschool, it’s all another reminder of how different this year has been. For all of us.
I’m hoping that starting school and actually sticking to a routine will help them as well as keep their mind on other things. Maybe we can try to make a new normal. What choice do we have?
We are all tired and stressed and scared. I don’t know anyone who isn’t. I know a few who are scared but are trying to hide it with a lot of anger and a quick PSA to ya’ll : Coughing on people, getting thisclose on purpose, and yelling at minimum wage workers just trying to get by does not make anyone want to listen to your ideas on how the world actually works.
Whether or not we agree on how any one of this came to be we’re all in it together.
A Hermitess 