The Never Diet

I noticed that my pants are getting tight. I’m not a thin person by any means, and if you want the truth, I don’t really want to be. Anymore.

For years I tried, desperately, to be the kind of girl that every other girl seemed to be, or at least trying to be. You know thin, constantly in a state of trying to be thin. Constantly trying to take up as little space in the world as possible. 

I stuck my finger down my throat after every large meal from eighth grade to my junior year of high school. I would never have called myself fully bulimic, but I got pretty skilled at making myself throw up quietly so that no one knew what I was doing. I also got it down to a science so that I could get in and out of the stall fast enough that no one realized what I was doing. So I guess it’s hard to say I wasn’t bulimic.

I took diet pills and sometimes other pills that I knew would make me not hungry. I skipped meals, but truth be told I’ve never been good at that. Anorexia was not something that was ever going to come easy to me. It required a control that I really didn’t have.

Eating too much and then purging it all afterwards though? 

I could do that. 

I stopped because I got tired of it. Really. There wasn’t some miracle cure. No moment of total clarity. I just didn’t want to throw up in public bathrooms, or even my own, on purpose anymore and so I didn’t. I would love to have some insane moment of hope for some poor girl in the same position as me sixteen years ago on some dirty floor in a public bathroom to cling to but the truth of it is, until you value yourself more than what others think of you, then nothing will help.

The only thing I can say to anyone going through it, or looking for advice to give to those going through it, is the same thing that’s been said a thousand times:

I’ve been where you’ve been. That gross ass bathroom, which somehow doesn’t feel as gross as you think you are, trying to get the food you just couldn’t seem to keep yourself from eating back out again. You have to know that it isn’t worth it.

Of course in my case, the damage has already been done. 

I have all sorts of digestive issues and stomach problems. Acid reflux is a nightmare. 

The best solution I’ve found is to eat healthy food and get outside, and try as hard as I can not to think about it.

But all over my Facebook, at least once or twice a month, a phase of dieting will commence. Three of four people at a time will announce that they are going on a diet and seem to want their facebook friends to hold them accountable.

Or they’re selling weightloss products. 

I don’t want to shame them. You gotta do what you gotta do. Or do what you wanna do. 

The thing is, it’s catching isn’t it?

The feeling that there is something wrong with you if you aren’t a perfect body weight. That there’s something even more wrong with you if you aren’t constantly self-deprecating and struggling to get that body.

As someone who has struggled their entire lives with the concept of weight loss, and food as the enemy, it’s as hard to say no to dieting and self deprecation as it is to a big piece of chocolate cake. But for me, dieting is like a gateway to the dark side.

Of course if you aren’t actively trying to look better, then there’s always someone there to say, “You should be worried for your health then.”

I always worry about my health. I’m a mom. I have to be there everyday for people who depend on me. Truthfully, I worry more about my health now that I’ve decided that I’m not dieting anymore than I ever did when I was focused on dieting and weight loss. Weight loss can help with many health problems but it isn’t the solution to everything and it’s also not the best to be achieved through rapid weight loss plans, crazy diets, overly-intensive workouts, or pills.

For me, that’s where that road always leads.

There has always been this myth that thin was synonymous with healthy. That if a girl looked the way she was supposed to, then her health was automatically good and nothing to be concerned with. Of course, as women, we grow up surrounded by bodies that are all completely different and we see how those bodies, our friends, eat.

We all have a fat friend who eats healthy and exercises and a thin friend who eats total junk all day and couldn’t run if you paid her. We all do. Or at least, I’ve yet to meet a woman who can’t point out two acquaintances by name who fit the descriptions I just mentioned.

I, personally, have to start looking at food as fuel, and not as something that I’m not “supposed” to have.

Forbidden fruit is the sweetest fruit. Literally.

I also have to start moving around more. Corona and the sudden dive into the deep end of full blown homeschooling (and other life stuff in general) has really put me behind. I used to really enjoy yoga and hiking. I always made a point to get a 30 minute walk in everyday and I’m starting to miss it. Yoga would probably be a good thing to get me out of the total rut that I am in because I remember how relaxing it was.

I’m not dieting anymore even though my pants are tight. No keto or low carb or whatever new exercise craze that’s popular. I don’t plan on doing some dramatic before and after. I don’t want pills or energy drinks or to join your gym because, while I think many of you look really cool, I’ve never felt the need to lift hundreds of pounds.

I’m just trying to get my life back on the track I want it to be on. Healthy and happy. I want to find an activity I enjoy, usually alone or with one other person, and I want to fix my relationship with food so that it’s just that: food.

Will I fall back off again?

Probably. But if this year has taught me anything it’s that life is too short to be more worried about how you look than how you feel.